Today is not just any other day, today I told the secret. I let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. I told my mother my deep dark secret. I was afraid how she would react, I didn’t want to hurt her, but it had to be said for me to move to the next level.
She reacted beautifully. She listened with empathy and responded with love. More than I could ask for. Next in line is to confront the perpetrator. Now that will take more therapy than I can afford, I’ll tell ya that.
It’s funny. I never thought I could get better. I thought this was just me, deal with it. But I am getting better, I’m feeling hopeful. I hardly think about suicide anymore. I know I’m not alone. I know I have support. I can call my Docs anytime when I hit a rough patch which I totally expect to come now that I’ve let the cat out. There has to be some repercussions and I am guessing that is it, I’m going to end up dwelling on the whole situation and all the hard work it took me to get here, But I did it. I DID IT!
Man, look at me go. I’m on a fucking roll. Please don’t let it stop. Biggest fear is that I break again. That god-awful misery that you can never see through. I don’t want to be there again. Ever.
Good bye old Annie. Your’e still a survivor, but now it’s more like surviving an in-grown toe nail. Painful, but not hopeless. Still gotta get it fixed and it’s still gonna hurt, but it will done.
Speaking of ingrown toenails I’m a little upset that I have a perpetual ingrown toenail after seeing the fucking Doctor like 4 times. The Pedicures are the culprit, I know, but ya gotta get them toes done.
Okay, I”m babbling because I had an experience today. I’ve eaten right, i’ve taken my meds and my supplements. I’ve exercised. Now I shall go smoke. I’m dying for a coke. God would taste so good, But a no-no.
Until next time friends….