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I’m feeling it again. That lethargy, that deep depression that tells me everything is building up around me, Dirt, laundry, garbage, floors, dusting. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dusted, I feel it, But I’m doing everything right, I’m exercising, drinking my protein drinks, taking my supplements and all the psych drugs. Its just there,

I knew there would be a backlash from telling my mother what I needed to tell her, And although that went well, I still feel it, I don’t understand. I’ve been panicky, catastrophic thinking, not wanting to leave my house. Now I’m getting the 2nd half. Low energy, sadness, Walking around broken hearted, That is what is what being depressed is like walking around with a constant heartbreak, And trust me, I know heartache, My loving husband is asking what he could clean, or what he can do and i’m lost, I don’t know what to ask for, So I asked for a different mop so I can mop my floors properly. I am beyond the point of hands and knees and the swiffer doesn’t really do the job. Luckily, (ha!) I live in a trailer so my floor mopping is quite small.

I’m rambling about stupid stuff, The heart of the matter is my heart is heavy today. And I recognize it as depression, At least I recognize it. Thats half the battle. Next I’m doing my exercises. As much as I can do and I will try not to hurt myself if I don’t finish. Or if I go to slow, I will not punish myself. I deserve better. I’ll be extra nice to myself today and I’ll listen to what my head is saying and I will snuff out the fires, all that black and white thinking, all that sadness, I will just work through it with the tools I have. And I have a lot of tools, just need to remember how to use them. This is one…

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