Alone

Lately, I've been feeling lonely. I have people around me, but I'm lonely, ya know? It's hard for me to take. Not that I need a party. God knows I'm not big on having a lot of people around me at once. But the people that I do have around me I want more love from. More conversation. More relationship. Just more. I don't know that it makes any sense but especially when I'm feeling empty of good things inside, When I'm full of nastiness, hurtful thoughts, bad memories, the icky stuff. That is when I feel empty and I need good stuff inside of me. I need cooperation. I need good conversation. Talk to me about my needs. Sounds so selfish, but I have to be or I will die.

So, lately, much to Todd's chagrin, I've been feeling empty and he doesn't know what to do except to dispense my meds to me. Now my 17 year old, Abigail is dispensing my meds to me. BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT IS TO ENGAGE.

Engage me. Make me feel like I'm more than a mentally ill mess. Talk to me like I'm a regular human being. Tell me about your day, fill me up.

Better yet, take me to a flea market so I can look at other peoples lives. Find pieces that speak to me that I can work on.

For godlike stop leaving me alone.

Alone equals death, where Y is loneliness, X is death. X=death.

I remember so many good things. Things that made me happy and changed me inside, But I have none of that anymore. Thats a lie. I do. I have my family, my grand babies. But there are things I do not have. I have to have them. I have to find them and make them work.