Apologies

They neither come easy or free. I said some thing horrible to one of my best friends out of frustration and pain. I didn't regret it when I did it. It felt good, like it had been coming for a long time. I felt righteous. But I was wrong for saying what I said in the manner that I did. And NOW I'm sorry. I wondered how he felt when he read that. Did he even care? I still don't know as we haven't spoken since. We don't live close, so we mostly communicate via text or phone calls. It's been about a month since I sent off those vicious words and with no reply. I would've though I'd get at least shot back, but nothing. No apology, no scathing text, no nothing. Just emptiness. I'm not sure if that is how it should remain between us, but I don't know if I can handle not having him in my life. I love him. I can be mad and still love someone.

So, what's next? I send an apology? I keep waiting to hear from him? Maybe he just doesn't share the same affection. Perhaps to him, I am no loss. Those thoughts hurt but could be true. Lord knows I could use all the friends I've got which is two. One if you minus him. I'm not a good friend maker-keeper. At least that is what I grew to be.

I want him to share what I'm doing. I want to celebrate. Even though I'm excited, I have no friend to share it with. A friend who helped me build up to it. Who played as my muse.

I suppose I will apologize when I have it in me. Today, I just can't. I just...cant. I'm still too hurt. And honestly, I don't know if he'd accept my apology.

Oh the webs we weave...