BLOATED

So, my foot is still fucked up meaning I won’t be going to aerobics today. Not that I LOVE aerobics, I need it, So I’m a little bummed that i’m not going to be able to go today. I’m doing my belly busters at least, but it’s not enough, I need real sweaty, why did I do this, exercise, Especially since I’m beginning to see small results. Just another thing to be bummed about. At least I’m not at Walmart. I don’t know.

How am I feeling today besides bummed? I’m feeling distressed. The thought behind that is I HATE everything about me right now. My hair, my face, my gut, my house. I love my husband and my family but this is just about me. I have to tell you picking up a 6 pack of beer is looking better and better. And that is disturbing to me. I know when I crave alcohol that I want to escape something. I think it’s because I let the cat out of the bag. I think I’m thinking too much about that shit. I have so many more secrets to tell, to say out loud. I’ve only told Todd and my Therapist. That might just be enough, but I don’t think so. I think I need to talk a little more about the secrets so I can deflate this bloat. Maybe breathe a little easier,

Whats nice is I just had a memory of Clear Lake, my oasis as a child. A place beatings rarely took place but mostly just fun all day and night. Now that’s how to be, Annie. Use those tools! And that’s how I survive. Using my tools. Sometimes it’s Clear Lake, sometimes it’s deep breathing, sometimes it’s crying a bit. Although things ought to be real bad for me to cry. I’m not a cryer. But it is a tool.

I suppose I should begin my belly busters now,. Try to go easy on my foot so I can get back in the game,