Carrots.

Night time seems to be the worst time for me. It’s better now that Todd has me in a routine. He starts my salad about 6:30 and I sit and watch the news. By the time I’m finished with dinner its close to bed time and Lord only knows that is what I long for. Deeply drug induced, misery free sleep. I still have a night mare or two but we tweaked my meds and it went back to blissful.

I guess it’ s kind of sad that bedtime is my goal. I do things through the day, like work out and clean the house, I’ve taken this semester off because last semester was such a mess, I just couldn’t imagine going through it again. I ended up in the hospital for the first few weeks of last semester and I got automatically withdrawn from English, I was too behind in Pre-Stats to catch up which left me with Psychology, A class I thoroughly enjoyed, But the damage had already been done, So, I decided just in case something bad happens again I won’t have to go through that, And I needed the break, In any case while school is anxiety filled, I will return Spring semester. It does help to be engaged with something at all times if possible.

Downtime is dangerous,

Have you ever had involuntary thoughts, That is a thought out of nowhere that tells you to take that knife and slice your wrist? I have those, Involuntary unwanted thoughts, I haven’t hurt myself to date, Thank God for support, My husband is always ready to get blasted by my ridiculously scary thoughts, and all he can do is listen and hide the knives which we’ve done on several occasions now, I guess the reason I bring this up is because that is what happens when I have time on my hands, I talk back to the thoughts with as much love for myself that I can muster (thank God for my therapist). Sometimes it gets out of hand and I turn inward and fantasize about it. I also fantasize about smoking out of my crank pipe again, to drink some beers, It sucks, but those are my days, medicated and all. I”m told I’ll be better someday, I wait with impatience for that day, I keep trying to tell myself that this is true and not just a carrot to chase,

Thoughts? Comments?