Today I’m restless and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. I’m still feeling the stages of grief I suppose. I hate being mentally ill. I wish I could wave a magic wand and go back to the way it was even though I was drinking a lot. At least I had purpose and I felt like I was a contributor. I know I want to write. And I am taking full advantage of the time I have now and I’m writing like crazy albeit good or bad.
I’m tired of taking the meds. I’m tired of feeling off kilter because of the meds. I’m tired of working my ass off to lose weight because of the meds. And I don’t know if I will ever be well enough to get off the meds. That is where I falter. If there were an end that I could see perhaps I would not feel so much angst,
What would life be like without the meds right now? Would I freak out? Would I ease back into society? The meds are what keeps me sane is what they tell me. What was I before.
I guess I was a mess. But I went to work every day. I guess it was that fated day that the panic came back. Although I credit it to the meds my old doc had me on, It was still the beginning of my end, when everything caught up with me, when I broke.
All I know is I want to go back to being sane. I want to be a person again instead of being someone to be taken care of. I hate it more than anything. I feel small and insignificant, Naive and vulnerable. Even stupid sometimes.
My mental illness is a broken bottle with all of that leaking out between the shattered pieces of glass,
Let me tell you this. I am NOT stupid, naive or unable to care for myself. Maybe i’ll make a living selling books. Who knows’? In the meantime I’m still alive and aware.
Guess I have a bit of a problem right now. Well there you have it.
One thing I wanted to add, Levi (my stepdaughter) and her girlfriend came up this weekend so we could take shit to the dumps, They spent the night last night and this morning as I was making my coffee I saw the sweetest thing. Levi was gently stroking Makayla’s hair while Makayla slept. It was so loving and pure. Young love. So precious.