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Fat and not sassy

I’m in a quandary today. I already missed my Pilates class (I’m really fat now) and I know I have choices.

There is another class shortly but my apathy is bothering me.

I could take Sami (my dog) for a walk in the neighborhood (snore). More apathy.

I could take Sami to walk Cannery Row (anxiety).

I could just forget it all, stay inside and write, getting no exercise, and pretend I’m not fat.

I’ve had all sorts of offers from people who would walk with me and I just ignore them. Getting this big may not have been my fault but getting rid of it is mine.

I was going to the gym to swim but for someone my size the girls locker room is a battle of great valor. I have a hard time getting dressed. And being that naked in front of people is a little braver then I feel I want to be. I keep plotting how to do it so I’m comfortable but I come up with little to nothing,

After swimming and then a 20 minute Sauna I would go back to my locker in awkwardness I would pull out my bra and my panties, grab my extra big towel then stuff everything back in my locker, locking it then heading for the shower. Always forgetting my shampoo, it would be back to my locker to grab my shampoo and body soap. Hanging my panties and bra outside of the shower until I was done. Trying to dry myself enough to put on my panties and bra without anyone watching that painful experience. I would wrap in my towel and head back for my locker to put on my clothes in front of everyone, not fun. It’s hard work being fat. Getting dressed is an issue. I have no center balance so I cannot stand up like normal and just slip my sweats back on. I have to sit and slide one foot in, then pull the second one over to slide into the sweats, Shirts are ok as long as they are big enough, but the pants had already done the damage, Clearly embarrassed but fully dressed I would spray my hair with leave in conditioner and blow dry my hair in everyones way, Fuck it, I still have a right to be there.

It was this whole unpleasant experience that has kept me away from the gym. It’s scarring, and I have enough of those.

So here is the decision. Do I tolerate my own embarrassment and go to the gym to lose the weight, or do I sit on my ass and stay fat and scared.

I already dislike being around people I do not know and the gym is full of them, I know none of them. The ones I’ve had brief conversation with have been pleasant enough, but it goes back to HOW ARE YOU DOING? Having to fake myself to get through it.

I’m such a mess.

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