Go Back to Sleep

I’m having THAT day. The one where nothing makes me happy no matter how hard I try or anyone else tries for that matter. I’m on my knees to depression right now and I don’t see myself getting up anytime soon. I’m just going to sit here and settle down into bones.

How did I get here? It’s such a mother fucking monster. I HATE IT,

These are the moments that I’m supposed to be doing my hardest work but I feel like I can’t get up off my knees to battle back.

So I’m walking through today slightly with routine and self care. I gave myself a facial, took a nice hot shower after exercising. I’m listening to my hard rock music. And still,

Questions I have not asked myself:

What have I said to myself that started this spiral?

What have I done to try to change this path?

Have I done thought records?

Uggh tools tools tools. I’m fucking tired of tools. I want to wake up and be normal. I want to wake up and not have to take my first handful of pills. I want to wake up and see the sun peaking through the shades with a deep stretch and be ready for a great day. I want to lose all this weight the pills have given me. I’m tired tired tired. Just fucking tired. These are the scary moments. These are the ones where I have to look out for suicidal thoughts. Where the involuntary thoughts come in. I don’t even know why I’m writing this shit, no one is reading it anyways. Oh well.