I Don't Have to Feel Fucked Up
Had an ass-kicking Therapy session this morning, I wanted nothing more than to go to Aerobics and sweat it out, but I didn't. I’m choosing to sit back and let this absorb into my soul.
So here is the thing; I have been raped and molested from the time I was 6 years old. Somehow I have it in my mind that its my fault and it was my responsibility to protect myself and I didn't.
What my Psychologist is trying to help me understand is that it was not my fault. I neither had the tools, nor was I given tools to protect myself. I was too young to protect myself. Even as I grew older, I still didn’t have any tools except the ones I created on my own. Even into my 20’s, I still did not have the tools.
When I begin to feel ashamed of my self and responsible for what happened, I need to do a thought record. That is, writing down the thought, giving the proof and giving the reality, then changing my mind path. It’s my choice, I can choose to feel shitty or I can choose to feel soft and happy. I feel soft and happy when I do not feel ashamed of myself for things that happened to me as a child, when I do not feel responsible. That only leads to depression.
I’m used to depression and it’s hard not to feel it I don’t know what to do with myself otherwise. Because I do not understand long term happiness. When I think of happiness I think of my wedding day. I think of the day my babies were born. But it was all short lived, followed by intense depression that I didn’t understand, I just pushed through it. I pushed through it until I was numb, I did drugs, I drank I did whatever I could to make the pain go away. Not even knowing why I was so fucked up.
Now I know, but I have the tools to fix it, I just need to put in the work to make it happen.
I can do this. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I can do this. I’ve jumped the major hurdle of telling my mother the things that happened finally and went spiraling after but now I know why, I was taking responsibility for something I could not control. Now it’s time to put down my thoughts one at a time and do the truth and lies writing. Make the choice to be happy. Long long road ahead, But I’ll make it. I believe in myself.