I Need a Do-Over
OOOOH I had a bad day yesterday, it’s spilling into today, Todd insists it was my meds not being right. I believe him to a point, I guess the pills do their job well. Although I wish I never had to take another one again,
So, what may be causing my snit? It’s a snit for sure, Something I’ve thought about that has caused me to feel distressed, I have to think back and you’re here to help me through this,
My house is a mess which means I feel fat and lazy. So that’s one. But how did I get to the point of not cleaning my house?
Exhaustion? But how can I be exhausted? The pills are one and when my meds get messed up, I get messed up, but this is more than the pills. This goes deeper, When I was getting ready to tell my mother “the secret” I was worked up, anxious and even angry, I told my mother and felt some relief and have been doing my best not to think about how she feels, Thats her business, not mine. But going through my head the whole time has been the actual experience, I’m using my tools to get through the memories but they sure jump up pretty fucking fast. It’s hard to keep up. It’s pretty tough. It takes me into other memories. Memories of being raped, of a relationship with my step brother that was inappropriate (I was 12 he was 18), it brings up living on the streets and taking what I could get like a stray dog, How do you run from so much effectively? I am not the example because I’m not I guess. I may be getting stuck in the loop.
I”m such a mess,
So my conclusion is that there is just too much to run away from or to use my tools for, This shit is hard work, And I’m tired. And I”m going to meditate today goddammit. I”m going to clean my goddam house, I am going to be ok taking my dogs to the vet tonight, Because I’m going to meditate and I’m going to do one chore at a time. When the bad thoughts come, I’m going to stop and work through it. That is, I’m going to do things like remember I’m not there anymore, I’m here. I’m safe. I have a loving husband and family, I can reach out anytime I need. These things are so important especially to address the complex PTSD. My Therapist has done such a good job giving me tools I could be way worse,
I still have a problem being “here”. And maybe that is where I need the work.
See? You helped me through it. I need t focus on being here, now. Meditate Annie.