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Today is nigh better than yesterday, I missed the gym because I could hardly keep my eyes open getting Abigail to school. I went home and drank more coffee. That did not do the trick so here I am. I’m about to make some more coffee, in fact I think I’ll do that right now, hang on,

Ok, coffee is brewing. I hate how I get so tired when this happens, “THIS” is s four letter word, Fuck THIS. I hate it, I have no flip side today. I’m just struggling here alone. Todd wants me to call my Doc’s but really what are they going to do? I have a therapy appt on Monday already and I’m on every drug man has ever made. So what then? I haven’t exercised, I can do that, It might help,

I wish is could paint a picture of what this was like, A picture everyone would get. Then send it across the world, Watch millions of people come out of their own holes and demand answers, better health care, better care over all. I’m one of the lucky ones. I have a great Psychotherapist and a great Psychiatrist. They both have proven to me that they have a stake in my recovery. I appreciate that with all my heart and soul and even more when I’m feeling better.

The coffee is good by the way

I was writing in my journal earlier about my weight and how depressing it is especially when I did not eat myself to this size. It just happened when I started taking the pills. I bloomed. So, while I’m doing everything I can do to make it go away, I’m also thinking of ways to bolster my self-confidence. Is it Jewelry? Shoes? New FITTED pants? There’s not much in the way of clothes out there for the BIG women at least not the kind I would like to wear. I do see new companies popping up however, and maybe i’ll get lucky and be able to afford them. I can handle ear rings and bracelets, shoes, but that’s where it stops. The rest I’m baffled. Which leaves me in sweats and oversized shirts. Like I have anything oversized in my closet. I have thought about using a hack to stretch out my clothes. You take a certain amount of hair conditioner and soak the clothing in it then reshape it. Seen it work. But everyday I keep thinking that what I’m doing will work…

Whats left to say except I won’t commit suicide over my size, I have plenty of other reasons to do that. I’ve survived this long, I suppose I’ll keep lasting.

So please do a sad fat woman a favor and leave a message for me? Something uplifting would be nice. Just don’t talk about depression as if you knew what it felt like unless you are experiencing it now, that’s hurtful. I know it’s hard to talk to people about these things, sort of like death, you just never know what to say. A simple “I’m sorry you’re going through that Annie” would make my day. It would show me people really do care,

Hoping the best for all of you..

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