Mommy's in a snit

It’s been a bad day. All day, depression is consuming me little by little. No matter how many drugs I take, no matter how much therapy, no matter how many books I read. I still land here. I’m safe. No suicidal thoughts. But I’m desperate for Euphoria. I’m so fucking tired of this I could just blow up. I’ve had a bad day, it happens. I’ve had good days. And per my therapist depression stems from blaming myself for something. I must have a lot of blame inside of me.

Another addiction I have is shopping online. I love it. But I can’t do it. So I pretend i’m doing it and I fill up my cart then I leave it hanging out in internet nowhere land. I don’t buy anymore. Just cleared our credit cards and they need to stay that way. So I pretend. It’s hard.

I don’t know. I’m just not sure how to come back to level. That is what the medication is supposed to do,

This is hard work, I know I’m supposed to give myself 5 good memories for each bad memories, Not enough time in the day. I have a lot to look forward to. I have a cruise coming soon. I have a road trip coming up soon. I have a loving husband and healthy happy children. I could be very happy knowing all this. But the depression attacks me. I’m going to see how I’m doing tomorrow and if I’m no better than I will call my Therapist for some love. I’m having such a hard time.

Just keep thinking about the good stuff. BTW I am going to shop for the cruise soooo, another thing to look forward to. I think I’ll go to Lane Bryant or Forever 21 which has plus sizes. And I think I’ll actually go out to shop and try on some stuff before I make my decision. The problem is that a lot of what is online is not kept in the stores. Maybe I’ll just shop online. Whatever. Something to look forward to.

I would love your comments and your support, please don’t hold back. Just remember if you have never had depression before please don’t say things like “you should be happy”. My depression is clinical.