More Annie's...

…and then my mothers boyfriend made a pass at me. He totally caught me off guard. I didn’t know what to do. I did not want to hurt my mother by telling her but that meant it would continue until I could get him off of me. I told him that I had an aversion to sex ( I really did at that point, my past was catching up to me), but that did not deter him. I let him kiss me once and remember feeling so disgusting. Finally, when he asked me to marry him I ended it, I made it clear there was no “US”. I enjoyed the wining and dining for sure, He bought me clothes and jewelry, but there was no way anything would ever happen between us. When I finally put my foot down, I grew up a little more. I felt more powerful.

And then came Scott, His parents owned the restaurant I worked at, He was a tall handsome 21 year old only in town to help his parents with the restaurant. We were instantly attracted to each other and ended up spending a lot of time together, He was perfect. A gentlemen, family oriented, good looking but he was married. We didn’t care. He broke my aversion to sex in no time flat. I was deeply in love with him as he was with me, but he had a pregnant wife back home. I knew it wouldn’t last so I took it for all that it was and it was one of the best times I’ve ever had, I miss him to this day. Just thought I’d work that in so everything wasn’t seeming so dismal, I had some great times pulling my pants back up :).

…and then I met Daryl. He was a bus boy at the restaurant I was working at. For me, it was love at first sight. I should have known in that moment that I was about to lose what I had worked toward. It took Daryl awhile to approach me. He was waiting for his apprenticeship in the Sheet Metal union to come through before he would ask me out, I waited very impatiently. Then one night he called. I thought I was going t die with excitement. Even more, he called my mother first to ask permission,. Who does that? He did and after drinking half a bottle of Drambui, He took a cab to my house.

It was all dreamy at first, We partied hard, we loved even harder. And then there came the phone call that changd my life with one word, . “Positive”, I was pregnant. 15 years old, no schooling to speak of, my only talent thus far was waiting tables just like my mother, and pregnant by who I thought of as my Soul Mate, He being 21 took the news ok, but he made some comments that should have predicted my future, like “is it really mine?” And “Are you faking, you don’t look pregnant?”

This Annie became scared but leaned on her good friend, Mary, who supported me throughout my pregnancy. I tried to make it work with Daryl, we got a house to rent and ran with it.

Now I become “Adult Annie”. I got fired from my job for being pregnant, they could do that in those days, when management changed hands I was able to pick up a few shifts here and there, but Daryl was my only source of income and immediately I lost control. I had no back up plan. I was stuck and scared out of my mind. Adult Annie at 15 was limping at best, especially when Daryl began to tell me what to do and started threatening that he could leave at any moment. He only did things like that when he was drinking which he did a whole lot.

I was 16 when baby Sarah entered our world for better or for worse. He was a proud papa and I was instantly more in love her than I had been when I was pregnant, My life really changed. I had a new life to take care of along with Daryl, cooking and cleaning, doing laundry, shopping, the endless list of a new mother. But I made it work, Daryl and were truly in love and we made great parents to little Sarah. Which led us to baby Daniel, by then I was working as a food server at a chain restaurant and assistant manager of our apartment building which meant I did all the cleaning inside the 3 building complex. It was hard work, but I was bringing in an income. That gave me power again. Power is what I wanted, A back up. A note to self that I can take care of myself should things become too difficult with Daryl, We decided to move to Washington state from California where we could afford to raise our little family. It would be closer to my brothers as well. Whole other story those two that I do not believe I will get into.

Daryl got into the Union and quickly began working, We rented a really old house that was being eaten from the outside in, But we loved it.

Now People this is where Religious Annie comes in, I became a born again christian and went head first in love with Jesus which made it hard for Daryl and his drinking. I wanted him to convert so badly, Now Daryl believed in God but did not practice his beliefs so I became the Spiritual head of my house,

Oh I was zealous for the Lord, I created ministries within the Church we went to, I took on the girls group, Sunday school and outings, sleep overs, Spent a lot of time with my brothers and their kids ask about the same age they all played nicely. I guess I should have mentioned my brothers were very into the church as well. It all seemed too perfect. Except I could see the cracks. I made a ton of acquaintances but no friends, I took on a lot of responsibility while others did nothing for the ministry. Then I started to “feel” something deeper was wrong, Not only did I not have any connections with the folks in the church, it came to light that our Pastor was fucking a 16 year old in the church, I guess that’s when lost the ability to make friends. I did like religious Annie. I loved having a feeling of connection to something, no matter what it meant, But religious Annie wanted to save the world. Like I said, I was zealous, That all ended when my Pastor was found out, I began to see our church as a meat market (it really was). Please don’t get me wrong, There were many well-meaning, even zealous people in the church but it wasn’t enough for me, I decided my belief in God was a gip.

That was when the 2nd major depression began, I was working at the time and feeling all wrong, moody. By that time we had Aaron and Laura with us, I had four kids no friends and a husband who would start a fight everyone he wanted to leave the house for a drink. I gave up, I told Daryl that I should see someone about how I was feeling, Things were catching up to me and I was beginning to go down a bad road, He told me no in no uncertain terms, If I needed to talk to someone it would be him. I hung my head, I couldn’t beat him, so I joined him. I began drinking again and the depression magically fell to the wayside, I was having fun again.

This is Escapist Annie, And I became the master, More tomorrow, again too much digging to do here, So much left out. In the meantime hang tight, I’ll get all my Annie’s out,

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Ups and Fucking Downs

Life is funny ha-ha funny. Some things we see or hear are just ridiculous, to easy to laugh at until you understand they mean it. Anyway, just saying after I watch the news, that is what I'm left with