Nothingness

Depression is not funny, but it has it's funny ways. It lulls you into nothing sometimes. And that nothingness is where the danger begins. Desperately, you want to feel something but the only thing there is...is nothing. That's not completeley true. You feel frustration in a dark emptiness that cannot justify the frustration.

Some of us have found ways to escape this pain by drinking, doing drugs, etc... I am being led chemically with prescription meds. They won't heal me. They'll just keep me from losing control for the most part. I don't hear voices any longer, that's something. Sometimes I think that it would be better to hear the voices and get all of my emotions back. It feels like a sucky trade-off.

In the middle of all of this, I have subsequently hidden myself from the world, like I can't handle it or something. I don't go out and when I do, I'm anxious as shit. I get overwhelmed easily. I was never this fucking fragile. I feel like I'm only a shadow of who I used to be. Oh yeah, I'm fat too. And time just ticks away.

Depressing, right? Right. Today, I'm feeling it. The "Nothingness." The meds I take will not take that away. In fact, it is a side-effect. So hard to find something to look forward to. But I try. Man, do I fucking try. I try to use the tools my Doc has given me. I write out, or re-read what I appreciate or am grateful for. I do deep belly breathing, or guided meditation. I try super hard to be kinder to myself. This is not my fault. This was a "gift" from a really hard life. And hope that someday, maybe someday, I'll be well again.