On the Thorny Vine

Why is it that every time I tell my Therapist that I can go a month in between sessions, almost immediately something pops up. It never fails. Had my appointment Saturday night and this morning I’m a fucking mess. Walking around the house like an idiot, not knowing what to do with myself. Maybe I just need a good fuck.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me except my mother called this morning asking if I would be taking the trip with them to Washington.

Uh, NO. I don’t know how to be more clear. I have feelings unresolved. Until I can come to terms with those feelings I stay away. I’ve TOLD her this, but she either forgets or just doesn’t care. I’ve had to beg her in the past not to talk about shit from that side. It took an ultimatum to get some peace.

In any case, here I am. Having my 3 o’clock coffee with my head up my ass.

I see my Psychiatrist tomorrow of which I see no changes being made. Especially since I’ll probably still have my head up my ass tomorrow. Maybe I’ll dress up for it. Take a shower tonight and lay out my clothes neatly on my dresser, put on makeup. It will be something way different. I have this new black short dress that would go great with my black leggings and a pair of black boots (thats all I own). Play like I’m a big girl now. Sounds different. Why not? Cuz I don’t feel like it. I hardly feel like taking a shower, the only reason I take one is because I can’t stand my own stench. Yep. Folks, this is Depression in all of it’s glory. It grows like a fucking vine into all parts of you that you can’t see. Places that don’t feel good. No flowers, no fresh smell, just a stinking vine, you know the kind. You see on old buildings during the Winter. All crotchety and spiny. Dead. But not really. Just getting ready for another growing season.

So, I will have my mother here from Wed-Friday. Sort of a send off since she’s moving to Washington state to be with my brothers. I think it’s a mistake. I think she is going to be taken advantage as always and always will. I think she won’t be able to feed herself after rent. I think she’s doing this for the right reasons but it’s not possible for it to work. But I will keep my opinion to myself. Or maybe I won’t. Lord knows she always gives me her opinion. Maybe I will tell her what I think and why I think she’s moving up there and why I think this is a mistake. She won’t make it and in 6 months time she’ll be needing my couch.

I just need bedtime to come. Please, I plead for mercy. I’m a god forsaken mess.

On the flip side, when Todd went to Denver, Laura my 2nd oldest daughter came to stay with me and we had fun. We had a spa day and did the whole thing from beginning to end. It was great. Then the following week we did a glamour day from primer to that shit you spray all over your face to make your make up stay on. Pics below