PTSD IS A FUCKER

I would love nothing more than to take my dog for a walk by the beach, but I'd be alone and that is a problem for me. I have PTSD and that limits me quite a bit, it sucks. He's a good dog and deserves an owner who can do things like that. Also, I'm a human being that deserves better. My PTSD puts me in bad places too often. I can go to get my nails done alone and I can do a pedicure alone, but try to put me in Walmart, forget it. Even with Todd with me I have to stay close to him.

I've been wanting to get Sami certified as a Service Dog, but the waiting list we've been on for 2 years. I'm wondering if there is another way to do it maybe through the SPCA. I'll have to look into that.

I've also been ok going to the gym by myself. Step forward! The only thing I don't like about the gym is the swimming part where I have to change in the girls locker room. I'm horridly fat, It's too embarrassing. So I go to as many classes that I can tolerate.

When Todd gets angry my PTSD flares like a mother fucker. I get scared at everything he says or does. It's not his fault. He's never hurt me. it's old stuff. Flinching and shit. I find it hard to be alone in the house and am happy to know that Sami is a biter. He's not vicious, but when the workman came over, Sami got through my legs, jumped out and bit him and then came right back at my side. Good dog. That makes me feel safer. I wish I could say that I'm friendly enough to go make friends but that sets me off too, I don't trust easily. People hurt and abuse and take advantage of. I don't dig that at all,

Getting out and into my car is a work out in my PTSD as well. I'm afraid of being car-jacked or mugged. Now my Doctor would ask how often that has happened to me. And I have to say never, so it's a catastrophic thought. I can't prove it. It's wrong, But it's still there.

When I go anywhere new I freak out a little, sometimes a lot. I like the familiar, I don't like change of scenery. I feel safe in my circle. I wish things were different. Like I said earlier, I deserve better. With more hard work it will get better. I have a great group of Doctors.

PTSD SUCKS.