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Yesterday my baby turned 17. The last of 6 is almost 18 and an adult. Working on getting into NYU. And I’m praying for a full scholarship. She thinks she can’t do it but she keeps talking about it. I think she can, She sings like an Angel. And her acting skills are improving every play. It’s unfortunate that her next play “Mama Mia” which she played the lead in, has been cancelled due to the school shut down.

Anyways, although I’m in my zone being in lockdown and all, I’m feeling a little more anxious than usual. I know the tools to use to help, but I can tell, my whole body can feel it. I’m on coffee #2 and ready for a nap. Thats the exhaustion that anxiety puts on me. You might think the opposite and sometimes it is when it gets out of control. But using the tools is exhausting. You have to stop and use the tool, then try to move on. It’s tiring. I think I’ll go take a nap. BTW it’s 10:45 right now.

Okay so no nap. Just played down for a bit allowing thoughts to float in and out of my body. My thoughts are not to catastrophic or nasty today. Thats nice. Usually it’s a battle to fill myself with good thoughts. I get a break today.

So I use Marco Polo to keep in touch with my family and I have a few kids who never respond (Aaron, Sarah). It frustrates me to death. I miss them like crazy. Abbie doesn’t use it, but she is still home. She better get used to it soon, .

I’m getting tired of getting DM’d on Twitter by lonely men looking for sexting. I was nice at first but no I’m getting down right mean and honest. I’m just not into that shit. It bores me.

I know these are random thoughts but that’s where my mind is today, Its totally random. I feel like something is off although I think I’m just tired. How I can be tired after sleeping 12 hours, I don’t know. I guess it’s the depression I just don’t acknowledge that enough. And the meds, yikes. I take so many and a lot of them are for anxiety (downers). Then some are for depression (uppers), Figure that one out. It’s all supposed to even out but doesn’t always work that way such as today, Half of me wants to go back to bed the other part wants to work out until I’m dripping with sweat. I’m such a conundrum.

I know in an earlier I had a tab for all to read my books but my partner in crime had a heart attack about it so I took it down. Sorry. Sometime soon though, you’ll see me on Amazon…

My 17 year old can never take a bad picture

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