Red Light Green Light,

My week has been filled with triumph and failures. Let me tell you a little bit about mental illness. It does not do well when it is hurt. And yet when it’s pushed to meet a goal it feels amazing. Sounds like normal, right? Wrong. Mental illness quadruplicates terror and fear, triumph and self esteem.

It stomps on your heart when there is failure of any kind. But you hear it in your whole body especially between your two fucking ears.

My circle is very very small. But sometimes someone in my little circle hurts me deeply and it’s like raining fireballs of pain. I get all mixed up. And then everything becomes unbearable. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I know my mentally ill peeps get it. What is really a mole hill is a mountain. Confusion and doubt are left inside a broken heart.

Todd just helped me see some thing too. I’ve been on Twitter a lot lately talking to a man from France who started out fine then went directly into begging for money. It hasn’t stopped since and it’s a trigger for me. My brother (drug addict) would beg me for money many years ago and would take my last $20 promising to pay it right back. And instead it went right to drugs. I would get hurt and move on. Then repeat the scenario over and over again. I couldn’t learn. I didn’t have the strength to learn or a way to tell him no. So this France guy is triggering me deeply. Just too much bad, too much.

I wonder if I had a bigger circle this wouldn’t be so difficult? Or if it is just mental illness that makes it so deeply sad.

So lets talk triumph for a moment. I’ve been using NOOM now for about 4 weeks and I’ve lost about 10 lbs give or take a pound. I’ve been wanting to walk past the stop sign at the end of my neighborhood for a while now, but too afraid to (enter PTSD). I can’t leave my own gates. Well, Todd went with me yesterday and got me to cross the street and walk about a block outside of the neighborhood. So two very positive triumphs this week hopefully enough to overlay the pits I fell into.

So what say you people? If you could give me advice right now, what would it be? If we were friends and I was just chatting your ear off (like I am now), what would you tell me?