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So just to start, I had my whole blog entry written out and lost it as I went to transfer it to Wix. So, let us try this one more time.

I'm tired of groaning and moaning in here. Although this is a safe place to do it, so feel free in your comments to gripe on.

I'd like to focus on healing, how to heal, what to use to heal but I keep getting caught up In daily life. I remember myself as someone who was very focused and sharp minded, ready to take what she wanted. I remember her. That is no longer who I am. I'm still in survival mode, but those buttons have been muted by the medicine. And the fact that almost all of my kids are grown now and I don't have to kill myself to ensure their survival.

So, this whole blog was dedicated to helping people who shared my inflictions and to teach each other how to get along with the rest of the world and life in general. It's turned into my daily battle to make it to fucking gym. I guess that is part of my mental health and it's an everyday adventure. But I'd like to do something real. If you'll notice the "resources" button, I have a reading list that help explain a lot about what we are going through. Under "contents" I'm putting a music list together (not for everyone), some of which may be explicit but pertinent.

I remember when I first realized just how fucked up I was. I was listening to a song by Korn called "Twisted Transister" and it hit me all at once. My childhood came flooding back and I realized I was not ok. And yes, the music do. I started listening more to Korn, Deftones, etc.. and kept finding pieces of me lying on the floor in front of me. Staring back at me like I was an idiot for not realizing what was going on. I was breaking and the music was helping me do that by connection to the verses. So, I'll get to work on putting up some more music soon.

Anyway, what I was belly aching about going to the gym as if I was some normal person expecting to get the same results. But I don't live an active life, I'm sedentary. Alone almost all the time. Except when I run an errand and even then I'm repulsed by humanity and I want to go back to my cave and be left alone. The funny thing is I'm one of the nicest people you could meet. But I could only count my close friends on less than one hand. A loner I guess, I know a lot of people. But I'm not close to a lot of people.

Ugh, what I was saying was that I was belly aching about the gym again because I have booty busting aerobics tomorrow and my ankle is really jacked up. My knee is better but now it's my ankle. I'm going to go and maybe even stay for the restorative pilates afterwards. HA! I've said that every time and have not done it yet. Well folks maybe tomorrow is my day to push through a little more. Just like childbirth.

Ok so not so bad for a retake.

Tell me what you think...

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