The Fucking Elephant and Monkey

Boredom is my enemy. Living sedentary is a huge no-no. Keeping myself busy is important. I took this semester off because I crashed and burned last semester, but that kept me busy. Now I’m looking, writing, blogging, exercising. I’m trying!

But I do get bored and lonely and that is when the Boogey man comes. I always have involuntary thoughts but they don’t count. It’s the ones that I linger on, the thoughts that have such terrible consequences attached to them up to and including suicide.

Right now, my addict is going nuts! I would put my face in a pile of cocaine if it were right in front of me. If I knew where to get meth in this small town, I would, If I could shop till I drop that would help. I think I’ve covered all the addictions that scare the shit out of me. Because I know that I get what I want if I want it bad enough. And I want it bad. But not bad enough to ruin my marriage and my relationship with my children and grand children. The relationships that I’ve forged, not many, but they are out there. I’ve worked so hard to get rid of these traps. When I mean hard I really mean hard. There is nothing like getting rid of an addiction. It’s like being in constant pain and misery. It’s like knowing you will never feel that euphoria, that release of pain and anguish, if even for just a short time. It hurts like hell.

So today my addict is alive and kicking. Even though I’m exhausted I did my easy exercise routine and thinking about doing the hard one right now to make me feel in control, to make me feel like I’m going in the right direction. To release some endorphins. Sounds like a good idea. Off I go to VShred (ouch)