The Fucking Holidays

Things are hard enough for regular people, they are twice as hard on people with mental illness. It's all stress and no joy. Just anxiety, which then triggers other symptoms like depression, suicidal thoughts, then finally PTDS in the form of nightmares and flashbacks.

This is the time of year where alcoholism, drug use, abuse run rampant. But we are good about not thinking about it unless it is affecting us directly.

I've never learned how to restrain myself during the holidays. I usually go head first and crash hard into a brick wall. It's the time of year I want to dig a hole for myself because I feel I never do good enough, please well enough, wrap well enough, bake well enough, I freak out.

This year has been less stressful with my husband keeping track and doing most of the buying. Most of my children are grown, just the grand babies to surprise with gifts of bundles of joy.

This year, we host Christmas Eve. Can I handle it? Will it be good enough? I never think so. I'm trying so hard to meditate and relax, but it's hard. So hard.

I just finished wrapping and my hands are shaking. I still have more to do.

Here's the good thing. I'm getting lots of help and I'm relaxing frequently.

I think we all could use this. Instead of freaking out. Wrap a present, smoke a cigarette, wrap another. Wrap a present, meditate for ten minutes, wrap another. Bake, then take a long rest, go get your nails done, bake some more.

I highly suggest finding ways to relax for my mentally ill partners,

All my love, and Happy Holidays! Take it easy, my friends.