Where is Joy?

Florida was beautiful, we are moving there in 11 months. Just as soon as Abbie graduates and goes to University. No questions in my mind. No hesitation. Water everywhere, amusement parks, Sea World, Universal Studios all within an hour or so. And the water is so WARM. I've always wanted to feel that. An Ocean that is warm. In Florida the water is warm. I'm going to find my own personal beach. Everything else a person could want or need within minutes of home base. I'm convinced.

We had a great visit with our friends James and Dee. It was so chill.

So enough about Florida. I'm tired of looking at walls and wondering off into space. It's the drugs I know that. I want it not to be. I want it to be something I can fix without disturbing my psychosis. I know there are so many other ways I can change these little fucking things that creep up on me. I could seriously meditate. I could seriously do Yoga. I could seriously read a book. I could clean my fucking house for godsake. So much and yet I can't get my mind to wander in that direction. I can sit here and write for a half an hour. Why can't I meditate?

I just found myself staring at a wall blankly letting bad thoughts in just like closing my eyes does. I don't want to look at blank walls. I want to live my life. A life. Any life. Now.

I try to remind myself that I have medical disabilities, but my ego can hardly take it. I believe it's all made up. That I'm just faking. But it isn't and I'm not. I am truly disabled. I get so pissed when I think about it. At least it's a feeling. I feel less and less each day, Joy. I need joy. Help me get joy. Please.