WHERES THE FUCKING KEYS?

You know somedays are just good and some are just downright nasty bad, I’m feeling my bad coming and it’s scaring me. I’ve been thinking a lot about my book and wondering (biting my nails) if it’s any good. I’m about to get going on book 2. I already have the outline done as I do for book 7 and I think it’s good. I think it’s a good story. I wouldn’t know where to put the genre though because it deals with explicit details but reads like a young adult story. It doesn’t matter, I’m writing them regardless. That is not what is tanking my day though. I’m lonely. When I’m lonely and I get bored I think of all the darkness, the drinking, the drugging, the sex. I’m still that person but wrapped in different wrapping paper now. I want to throw all my pills down the drain and I want to think for myself. I want control of my life back. I hate depending on the pills. I miss the darkness sometimes. All the time really. I’m always jonesing for something. No one in my life seems to understand that. They are proud of me for not giving in but I’m not sure they understand the cost A million miles of wanting. And knowing I will never get it. Ever again. I’ll have a drink but as for the rest its long gone history and I miss it because it was like my magic bus. It took me places I hadn’t been before. I miss it because it took all of my pain away. I could count myself lucky that I quit when I did, it would have been all bad in another year from there. My face and body would be showing it. Anyways, none of that matters right now you see, because I want it. And I want it because i’m experiencing some psychic pain. It travels deeply into places that have been boarded up, locked away, thrown out into the ocean. It hurts. And I hate hurting. So now I don’t know what to do with myself except sit in a corner and suck my thumb until it stops.

I’ts more than loneliness that put me here but that’s for another day. Let the clouds roll in folks I think it’s about to rain.,.