I’m cranky today. My Doc would ask “what bad things have you thought about yourself?” I have a fine list. And it’s getting longer by the second. Think I’m in trouble. I just want to go back to sleep and forget about life for today. I’m depressed. It’s funny how one day I’m jolly go-lucky and the next I want to swallow humanity. I know what’s wrong with me, but the work comes. And it’s hard work. Where did it start? I know where it started. I was too tired to go to the gym class this morning after dropping off my daughter at school. I came home and took a nap at 8:30 in the morning, I needed a nap. My house is gross on the inside and outside. I’m fatter than I ever have been. I’m so tired, doing work out today seems out of my scope. And I’m alone. Now bad memories have the door wide open and I’m being attacked by them left and right. It’s that easy to walk down such a simple path one might think, Not for me. I have a real hard time getting off the path. I hate everything today. Today would not be a good day to mess with me. I’m so frustrated. I’m so tired of this bullshit. I’m a crazy fat and lazy woman. Thats the thought right there. Now my Doc would ask for the proof. Well I am crazy, I’ve got the med list to prove that. I can’t see my feet, so there’s the proof there. And my house is dirty and I have no gardening done outside. It’s all true. So how do you deal with that? I think my Doc would talk to me about self-compassion and how it’s ok to have a bad day and that I don’t feel this way every day.
I do clean my house every so often. It’s not so bad right now, but if you look under the rugs you’ll see the mess. BUT I do clean my house to an extent. I feel so unorganized and that freaks me out, I forget so easily, if I don’t know exactly where something is, I’m in trouble. My house is not a wreck, I’m exaggerating. I just see all the little things that I wish were different and I hate living in this trailer.
I have not touched the outside in months. I have good ideas but they cost money we don’t have. It sucks having the time but no money. Oh God knows I have credit cards but they’ve all been taken away from me because I have no lines. If I do, I walk right over them. I spend too much money. We just got ourselves out of debt for the most part. I have a few I couldn’t afford to pay off. Now they are late and I’m getting calls daily that I don’t answer of course.
I barely eat and I gain weight, I work out 5x per week at least and it seems no change has been made, A good friend told me to under portion the food that I do eat so my stomach will shrink. I’m all over it. In fact, I’m eating the other half of my salad from dinner last night. I hope this fucking works. I’m at my wits end.
There are people out there who are dealing with death and tragedy and i’m here whining about my shit, This is why I’m depressed. And this thinking leads me down to my childhood horrors that lead me to wanting to kill myself. I’m not there, but I could be in no time flat,
I want drugs. I want to get shit faced in a laughing jolly crowd. I want anything but this pain.