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Why Does it Have to be This Way

So, I woke up at 11 am this morning for no reason. I went to bed at 9 like I usually do and I’m usually asleep by 9:15. It could be the extra dose of depression from being cooped up so long. Life has changed. It’s no longer grab my purse and go. No longer taking Abbie to school then going to the gym. No Starbucks runs. No getting nails done. It’s a bit depressing for all of us.

For me to keep my mind and body going has been crucial. I get agoraphobia otherwise, which is where I’m at now. I’ve totally forsaken school. I feel like right now as if I will NEVER go back. Even after the lift. And that’s depressing. I’ve thought long and hard about that one too. I’m just not feeling smart enough. I feel like I’m not up to the challenge. Now I can hear my Drs. Voice in the back of my head talking about how I did before and yes the last semester I attended was a disaster because I was in the hospital for a week then on bed rest and oxygen for several weeks after that. I just misses too much. I was able to eek out a C from my one remaining class. One I was automatically withdrawn from and the other was pre-stats. Me and math? Uh, no. And for this kind of math I would need several lower classes first. I’m not sure why this class was recommended to me. Uggh. In any case, that one I had to drop because it was just too difficult for my brain. So needlessly to say, I don’t want a repeat. I know I probably won’t end up back in the hospital with bi-lateral embolisms, but you never know what can happen. So school is off the table for now. Maybe forever.

So, lets change the subject. I was taking Sami for a walk this afternoon and all was going well besides the cat under the car, but Sami listened and he left it. Outside of that, things were going well. And then in our pathway by the office stood a man with a mask and rubber gloves. He was carrying a red bag. My PTSD went crazy. “he’s a shooter!”, I thought. He finally moved as we got close enough, but I thought he was going to go into the office and shoot everyone. Now here’s the mindfuck. Everyone is wearing masks and gloves when they go out now. It’s the new normal. And it took me awhile to accept that into my psyche, but I’m still thinking about it. I mean before COVID if you would see someone in a mask with gloves you knew something was deeply wrong. Then I could and should worry. But now, people do it to stay safe from the virus. But boy did that get my PTSD going. I got Sami to the stop sign. I’m trying to break that boundary too. I did yesterday, but not today. Today it was follow your routine or freak out. Since I didn’t hear any bullets I thought it safe to pass the office. Hate my brain.

So other than that shit, I’m keeping my calories low and my out put high. Doing extra housework and hard aerobics every day. Well every other day. I do strength and cardio one day and then the hard aerobics the next day. I’m losing the weight ounces at a time but I’ll take it. I dropped 3 lbs yesterday. Thats a lot. I even ate some home made chocolate chip cookies. I’m using Noom and it works pretty good. I like it. It gives you tips and tricks ever day and goals to reach and accountability. So I plan to use them until I’m down to my ideal weight.

Well that’s all of my excitement. I’ve been reading a lot of poetry on Twitter. But I want to go to a real book store and get a new book. I want to smell the paper between the covers. I want to look at the titles, touch, feel. But I can’t so I go to twitter to look for books I can read online.

Ok that’s really enough. I’m done.

Sami hanging out with me while I have my morning coffee. He does this frequently

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