Zombie

I hate med changes. I started having brutal nightmares again, so the Doc pulled out an arsenal on me. In just one pill. The dreams are still vivid, but the first night I took it, I woke up at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Todd woke up at 530 looking for me. As tired as I was, I wanted some fresh donuts and a coffee, so off we went. Right into the sunrise. We took a nice drive on the Coast.

I was unable to sleep for the rest of the day. Todd asked if he could change it, but I was adamant that I would do what the Doc told me to do. It's hard to explain a brutal nightmare, being held captive, molested over and over again, tied up, raped and no tools at my disposal to unleash me. Those were happening over and over again. So Doc gave me Trazodone at 150 mills. Enough to choke a horse, especially with all the other meds I'm taking.

Needless to say, I lived like a Zombie for a few days. Almost as bad as the nightmares was the misery. So I let Todd adjust them. And even though the dreams are still vivid, I can function during the day almost back to my old capacity. Yep, knocked on my ass. I couldn't think my way out of a wet paper bag. I'm not sure which one was worse. I love meds. So far, they have done me well, I know that. I sure as shit wish I didn't have to take them though. I surely wish I could control my own chemical imbalances and my emotions on my own. But I guess I've got growing up to do. Pharm Therapy and Talk Therapy. Thats what I get. Until one miraculous day when I won't need it. Will that day come? It's been over a year now with the meds, more than a year, maybe two. Just kept going up in dosage until I stopped complaining about anxiety and panic. Then I leveled out. No more freak outs, no more need for alcohol (sober just as long).

Todd and the kids have been so good about this whole thing. Todd most of all because he is closest. He has learned so much and takes it day by day. He has to live through my mood swings, my annoyances, my Doctors. He has become my caretaker. We are trying to learn how to be husband and wife again. That takes more reading and practicing. We've been referred to couples counseling. We are just a bit upside down. I'm re-learning to behave with the medicine and Todd has been my caretaker far too long. We both have important things to work on. I'm still sick and he still walks on egg shells but I think with a little counseling we could put some things into practice.

On the flip side, we got wildfires like crazy out here. The sky is so smoked up and it smells like fire. No one has had to evacuate yet, although my oldest was on the cusp.

We had wild lightening storms the other night that just tore up the dry brush. High temps and no sign of rain are making it twice as hard. Man do I appreciate our Firemen.

On another flip side, we are taking a trip to Arizona to see the kids soon. It will be a nice road trip. And I miss the hell out of them all. My kids and Grandkids.

This is very sloppy writing but this is how I feel right now. Pretty sloppy. Haven't touched my housework, but that's another story.

Anyways, here I am in all my glory...

This picture is way too big. But I don't have the energy to think of anything else.


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